Sasuke Gets ?
by strangertrack
Summary: It's hard to give a summary or even the full title without giving away the punchline. But no, it's not Sasuke Gets Laid. Unfortunately. :D


_It just isn't fair!_

Sasuke had trained so hard for this moment, giving up things like friends and a normal childhood, so he could finally avenge his clan's death... pushing his body so that he threw up most nights and then abusing it some more by learning moves like Chidori and even Naruto's Rasengan...

And all for this.

So that he could end up crushed against the wall, one arm hanging down uselessly from the shoulder down and the other clawing at his brother's arm, forced to watch in horror as his brother's friend killed his remaining teammate.

"NO! STOP IT!!" Sasuke screamed, the mental anguish of the experience overlapping with the one from the past. Why? Why was he so weak? Why couldn't he protect the people he cared about?

"Sa-sasuke-ku..."

Thud.

Kisame's hiccupy laughter echoed through the cavern as a pool of blood spread beneath Sakura's fallen body.

Sasuke promptly stopped struggling, scarlet Sharingan eyes fading out and replaced by a dead, dull black that stared ahead and saw nothing but memories.

A loud-mouth blond in orange with a goofy smile and a heart full of ambitions...

A blushing girl with pink hair, annoying him with her constant sidelong glances, yet touching him with her concern...

He should have known better than to let them get close. That sadistic bitch called destiny had been plotting against him since birth, taking away all his precious people and leaving him to live a dark, unsightly life alone until the day he was pathetically killed by his own brother. Sasuke bet that if he were to meet destiny face-to-face, it would have too much purple eyeshadow and a long, slithery tongue to molest him with.

"Just do it. Kill me now," Sasuke choked out in defeat as he accidentally used the Neji-angst no Jutsu he had copied a while back. Tears slipped out of his closed lids as he waited for the painful mercy blow that he hoped was coming, but of course, his brother would never be so kind.

The pressure on his neck disappeared, and Sasuke stumbled forward onto his hands and knees.

"W-why...?" he asked. "If you won't die, why can't you just kill me?"

Uchiha Itachi loomed over Sasuke, what was visible of his expression from the high collar of his Akatsuki cloak completely unreadable but Sharingan still in effect. That was when Sasuke saw him, running up to them with his hair wildly askew.

"Ka-ka--"

"Sasuke, man, you've just been punk'd!" Kashton Utcher crowed, jumping around him in circles with unsuppressed maniacal glee.

"Wh-- Bu--" Sasuke rubbed at his eyes with his arm warmer, still too in shock to absorb what was happening. "Naruto and Sakura... they died," he whimpered, curling up into a protective ball.

"Haha! Got you, Sasuke!" Naruto laughed as he miraculously revived and ran to him, poking at his cheek. "Oh shit, that expression on your face when you thought me and Sakura were killed was _pricessless_! I thought I'd piss my pants, it was so hilarious!"

He turned to the cameramen who had also come wandering out. "Ano saa, ano saa! You got that all on tape, right?" he asked excitedly. "I want ten copies!"

"Gomen ne, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said sheepishly as Kisame helped her to her feet. "But you have to admit it was a little amusing."

"You're not dead," Sasuke muttered, still in a trance. Then he glared up at Itachi. "But you! This doesn't change the fact that you killed our parents!" he spat out venomously.

"Surprise!" Sasuke's mom and dad popped out from nowhere, smiling and waving.

"We're not dead, silly," Sasuke's mom chirped, hugging her baby boy whom she'd missed ever so much. "We've simply been hiding in our vacation home in Water Country, watching you on the surveillance camera."

"S-so the past eight years I was wallowing in loneliness and hate... you guys were alive?" Sasuke sniffled. "Auntie? Uncle? Gramps and Nana? The cousin who likes to wear women's clothes?"

"That's right, son. It was all part of the clever ruse so that the whole world could find entertainment in your suffering. Look, even your pet kitty Bobo's here!"

The cat -- for it was no longer a kitten -- was produced and dumped into Sasuke's good arm, and they all shared a good chuckle at the prank well executed. Sasuke was so overcome with joy that he couldn't stop laughing. And crying. At the same time. In fact, he was laughing and crying long after everyone else stopped and showed no signs of stopping anytime soon.

The rest of the ensemble looked on uneasily at the display of hysterics. "Uh... maybe it's time to go home now," Sasuke's dad said. "After we get you to the hospital to fix that broken shoulder of yours."

"Sorry about that, squirt," Itachi said ruefully, ruffling his hair. "I didn't mean to be so rough."

"It's alright, niisan. Everything's all right now that no one's dead. Allllll okaaaay noooow" Sasuke crooned in a disturbingly childish and crazed manner. "People who are supposed to have decomposed by now haven't but this is better, right? Yes, much better."

That evening, the staged Uchiha massacre became a reality. Sasuke poisoned his family, slaughtered the rest of his clan, and disappeared into the night. Konoha hunter-nins eventually found him shacked up in a mountain, making love to his deceased brother's cloak in an effort to single-handedly restore his clan.

"I avenged their deaths, damnit! I deserve a medal for what I did!" Sasuke screamed as they wrestled him into a straitjacket and dragged him away to the looney bin.

The rest of Team 7 stood by, shaking their heads sadly.

"There's always one in every team," Kakashi commented. "Statistical reality. Though I kind of figured Naruto would be the one to flip out."

"Hey!" Naruto protested. He turned to Sakura. "I can't believe you used to let him put his kunai in your pouch."

She shrugged, not seeing what the big deal was about. "You did, too." Pause. "Oh, you mean... well, he was hot."

"I heard they're airing Sasuke's episode of _Punk'd_ tonight. You kids want to watch it together?"

"Hell yeah!" Naruto and Inner Sakura cheered.

And the three walked off to Sakura's home since Naruto's apartment is a smelly sty and Kakashi can't afford cable on his measly teacher's salary.

--

**The End.**

--

**Full Title: Sasuke Gets Punk'd**

For those who don't get the reference, _Punk'd_ is an American cable show hosted by Ashton Kutcher, where he play tricks on celebrities with the help of the celeb's friends and families. It's mostly fun and games, but I'm still waiting for someone to slap down a lawsuit. Some of the victims get really close to tears before Ashton pops out to reveal that it's all a joke and they're not really arrested/robbed/audited/having their home taken over by terrorists.

And no, I have nothing against Sasuke. I mock only out of love. You can tell me I suck though, should you feel the need.


End file.
